It's OK, it's for charity

Remember those awful high-heeled shoes for toddlers that featured on a recent episode of The Apprentice? They're called Heelarious, and are designed to give pre-schoolers their first taste of negative body image and back pain.

If you're someone who thought "Ooh, they look like fun!" I have some exciting news for you. Your little girl will soon be able to complete her Minipops Makeover thanks to those Transylvanian trollops The Cheeky Girls.

Having run out of self-esteem bashing reality shows to appear on, the vacant vamps have just launched a new range of glamour products aimed at young girls, including eye-shadow, nail varnish, lip gloss and a perfume(presumably featuring top notes of desperation).

So if you've ever bemoaned your child's plain features or general lack of bedazzlement, you're in luck. Quicker than you can say Nabakov, your little Lolita will be stunning the council estate with her scarily accelerated sexualisation.

If, for some bizarre reason, you find this whole endeavour objectionable, the fact that 10% of the proceeds will be going to Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital should silence those nagging doubts once and for all. I look forward to the inevitable fashion range to go with the make-up, perhaps hot-pants with 'Touch My Bum' across the back? And the proceeds can go to a child abuse charity.