Suck on this

They say that the safest form of sex is no sex at all. But that's no fun. So what's a horny, STD-fearing teen to do? Well, they could always take a tip from the US abstinence programmes that try to get around the thorny issue of adolescent libido by encouraging 'over the clothes' interactions.

That means drawing the line at heavy petting - you know, the stuff you're not allowed to do in the pool, like dive-bombing or running around the wet area. As long as the pants and sweaters stay on, it's all good.

But even heavy-petting has its consequences, as anyone who ever attempted to disguise their amorous extra-curricular activities with a turtle-neck or indoor scarf knows only too well. Ordinarily, the worst thing about a love bite, apart from the unpleasant sucking sensation, is the fact that you look like you're in the early stages of leprosy. According to the experts, there's a much bigger risk involved in letting your significant other get all Edward Cullen on your neck area.

A report in the New Zealand Medical Journal has revealed that a 44-year-old woman was left partially paralysed after suffering a stroke. When doctors investigated, they found that the love bite her partner had left on her neck had actually damaged a major artery. This, in turn, had created a blood clot which then travelled to her heart and caused the stroke.

Incidentally, her first clue was the fact that her left arm lost all feeling, which must have also have put an dampener on her boyfriend's ambitions. In the end, she was treated with an anti-coagulent called 'warfarin' (named after George W Bush, I assume) which cleared up the clot within a week. As a result, she probably won't suffer any future strokes, although with the feeling back in her arm, her boyfriend's probably looking forward to one.

Dr Teddy Wu, who treated the anonymous patient expressed some surprise at her dramatic condition, commenting "To my knowledge, it's the first time someone has been hospitalised by a 'hickey'." Had I been in the ER though, I think I'd be expressing my disbelief that a 44-year-old was sporting a love bite in the first place.

Oh, and the moral of the story - something to think about next time things get a little hot and heavy. If it sounds like he's chewing on a piece of ripe watermelon, you should probably ask him to cool his ardor. Or check that you've got a vial of holy water to hand.