What is it about warm weather that makes us
throw self-respect and fashion-sense to the non-existent wind? I love a sunny day
as much as the next man. But what I don’t love, is the fact that so many people
see a cloudless sky as an excuse to dress like they’re auditioning for a Black
Lace tribute act? Over-exposed body parts, clashing patterns and footwear so
heinous that it’d make Douglas Bader thank his lucky stars. Forget about ugly
Christmas sweaters – summer’s where all the true fashion crimes occur. Let’s
take a look at the repeat offenders.
Hawaiian shirts
This is one terrifying creation that, like
Jason and Freddy, simply refuses to lay down and die. Loud, obnoxious and
tasteless, and that’s just the people who insist on wearing them. Despite their
vibrant colours and shouty designs, they’re usually worn by sad-sack
middle-aged men dressed by their passive aggressive wives, who are still
punishing them for some unspoken, decades-old transgression.
Improvised swimming trunks
When I was in school, exercising in your
underwear was traditional punishment for leaving your PE kit at home. And it
worked, since we all dreaded having to run around the gym in y-fronts and a
vest, when the class waiting to use the facilities were all lined up outside
the window. And yet, weirdly, what was once the height of teenage humiliation,
has now become de rigeur for lazy sun-worshippers. There’s a whole generation
of lads who feel that it’s not only acceptable, but preferable, to sunbathe and
swim in their underpants. Although it’s a generally unpleasant trend, I reserve
particular scorn for the ones who choose to wear Calvin Klein boxers. They’re
apparently oblivious to the
transparent qualities of white fabric when
wet. No-one wants to see your junk smeared across your groin, like commuters in
a rush-hour Tube carriage.
Collars
Despite their inherent blandness, Polo
shirts are a convenient and inoffensive suitable-for-all-occasions wardrobe
staple. Which is probably why some think that the way to give their generic
outfit a lift is to pop the collar so they look like Sesame Street’s resident
numerologist. Even Elvis looked like a twat with his collar popped, and this
was a man who could pull off a rhinestone-encrusted jumpsuit.
Pastel sweaters
Given the British weather’s inclement
nature, it makes good sense to prepare for any occasion when planning an
outfit. The easiest solution is to wear several light layers – loose and airy
when it’s warm, but easily buttoned up when the clouds inevitably gather.
Unfortunately, some men take their tips from our continental cousins, and
choose to dress for the warmth, only to then drape a light-coloured pastel
sweater across their shoulders. Fine if you’re an antique dealer weekending in
Sitges, but otherwise it’s a very bad idea. The only people who can get away
with wearing a sweater this way spend their days running around the playground shouting
“Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner Batman.”
Long shorts
Long shorts are fine if you’ve got long
legs. If you’re of less-than-average height, however, they’ll make you look
like Mickey Rooney. Even so, many men aren’t comfortable wearing anything above
the knee. Hey, we’ve all got issues. What I don’t understand, is the ones who
insist on wearing board-shorts, only to roll them right up to the crack of
their arse when they’re laying in the sun. As the temperature rises, the legs
get rolled higher and higher, until they mutate into some kind of monstrous,
plaid man-nappy. I know there are plenty of guys out there who get their kicks
by being wet-nursed by matronly women who charge by the hour, but that doesn’t
mean it looks good on the beach.
Flip-flops
I have a confession to make. A few years
ago I went through a phase of wearing flip-flops to work. In my defence, I
worked in a creative agency and our manager decided to have a tonne of sand,
some deckchairs and a fake seagull installed in our little corner of the
office. He thought an indoor beach might inspire us to do better work. I just
found that I was able to slip off my flip-flops and scrunch my toes into the
cool sand whenever I got stressed. The work didn’t improve, but at least I
realised how stressed I’d been getting. But the fact remains, unless your
workplace is littered with sea-front accessories, there’s really no excuse for
inflicting those cracked heels, hairy toes and oddly discoloured nails on your
work colleagues.
Crocs
Seriously. Just fucking stop it. I have
enough trouble believing that someone once thought “If only there was a way of
combining the clunky shapelessness of the clog, with the gaudy, rubberized
awfulness of the jelly shoe”, without having to acknowledge the fact that
countless millions of other people thought “Oooh, they’ll look nice with my
leggings when I pop down the Co-Op.” Growing up, we were taught to frown on
people who left the house in their slippers. Crocs are no better. Even worse
are the ones that have been carefully accessorized with the gaudy tchotchkes
that the Crocs people have Christened ‘Jibbitz’. It’s enough to make you wish
that the four horsemen would get a move on.
Linen trousers
As if the current trend for ‘fucking red
trousers’ isn’t distressing enough, white trousers are also making a worrying
comeback. Unacceptable even in the eighties, when all kinds of fashion
abominations were tolerated, these linen monstrosities reached the apotheosis
of awfulness when featured heavily in a now legendary ad campaign, as four
chinless wonders sauntered down a jetty to leap onto a waiting speedboat (“The
last bus home IF you’re drinking Bacardi”).
But those who forget the past are condemned to pop into Top Man and
repeat it. As if the look itself isn’t bad enough, consider the fact that the
tiniest droplet of
moisture around the groin will spread until
it looks as though your prostate needs a once-over from a dexterous medical
professional.
Hot pants
When Kylie made her big comeback in 2000,
it wasn’t the song Spinning Around that everybody was talking about. It was the
tiny pair of spangled hot pants she modeled in the video. And thus, a
terrifying new trend was born. Whereas Kylie has a derriere so peachy that the
Man From Del Monte would nod his approval, many of the women who insist on
pouring themselves into their summer micro-shorts really ought to consider a
lower hem. The unpleasant truth is that your underdressed back-end gives
onlookers the sensation of following Julie Goodyear up a loft ladder.
Braided hair
It’s not just adults who fall victim to
summer’s many fashion disasters. Every year it’s the same old story, as swathes
of kids come swarming out of regional airports after two weeks in Malaga, like
the child slaves escaping the mines beneath Pankot Palace. Only instead of
shackles and rags, these kids are recognized by their fair hair, scraped and
sculpted into painful looking cornrows. At some point during the 1990s, parents
decided that the best souvenir of two weeks on the Spanish mainland wasn’t a
straw donkey or comedy sombrero, but a red-faced child with hair braided so
tightly that the slightest sneeze could detach a retina.
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