It’s a two-hour special edition of The
Apprentice tonight, hosted in the You’re Fired studio by Dara O’Briain. But I’m
only going to cover the main part of the show, because I have work in the
morning and you, presumably, still have the will to live.
This has been an odd series, packed with
weird and wonderful characters, all demonstrating the cumulative business
acumen of a hole-punch. Cake makers, dance entrepreneurs and sports centre
managers have battled it out for eleven weeks, just to see who was the best at
shouting at passersby in the East End while wearing a sandwich board. And then,
once a week, Lord Sugar would pootle in at the end of each episode to tell them
“You’re all bladdy useless.” Nick’s ‘close scrutiny’ face has now become a
full-blown nervous tick, and Karren has taken to de-emphasising her formidable décolletage
by dressing in an unflattering selection of caravan awnings.
The show kicks off with a quick recap of
last week’s hilarious semi-final, before O’Briain invites us to “Sit back and
enjoy Luisa versus Leah,” as though they’re going to be wrestling in jelly for
the investment. It’s unusual enough to have an all-woman final, but it’s even
more surprising to see two such girly girls make it all the way. Margaret
Mountford clearly disapproved of both Leah and Luisa last week, preferring to fixate
on their obsession with appearances rather than their business smarts. We’re
clearly a long way from the formidable Ruth Badger, who could have given
Desperate Dan penis envy.
As Luisa and Leah prepare for the final
task, we’re basically treated to an extended make-over montage, as hair is
straightened, eyebrows are drawn and powder is applied. “We have to show what
we’re made of now,” warns Luisa, and I’m beginning to suspect that she’s eighty
percent glitter gel. I’m trying to remember what the equivalent footage has
involved when the final has seen two male candidates going head-to-head.
Reading the FT while taking a good, long shit?
At One Marylebone, Karren’s still feeling
the chill, buttoned up in an overcoat that even the Amish would find a little
severe. Lord Sugar tells his finalists that it’s time for them to create the
brands for their would-be businesses, including a website and launch campaign.
In a bit of clever foreshadowing, he tells Luisa to make a good presentation,
because all the promos for tonight’s show have seen her running off the stage
in floods of tears. Leah’s challenge, on the other hand, will be explaining the
world of aesthetic treatments in a way that Lord Sugar can understand. “This is
something that is alien to me,” he adds, drawing unnecessary attention to the
wrinkles he could lose his car keys in.
The first challenge is to build a team from
all the fired candidates. Leah is obviously quick off the mark and gets all her
first choices. Poor Luisa is left to pick her team from a line-up of overweight
asthmatics. None of the candidates sound particularly excited to be involved in
the Apprentice’s version of Jim Bowen’s “here’s what you could’ve won…” moment,
but they feign interest for their friends. Jason is thrilled to have been asked
back by Luisa, but then he didn’t hear her describe him as completely
detrimental to the team. To the consternation and confusion of her colleagues,
Luisa attempts to describe what her business is, but she’s not doing a very
good job. “It’s about everything you need to make a cake, apart from the cake.”
“So, flour?” “No, not flour.” Jason’s got about 11 degrees, and even he’s
struggling to follow this one.
Leah’s proposition is much simpler, so
Myles offers up his own vanity to support the project. I’m not sure how that
helps anybody, but his veneers look shiny when he smiles, so I’ll go with it. Leah’s
listening to her team’s suggestions for brand names, so that she can throw them
all out and go with Niks. Because it’s ‘skin’ backwards. Somewhere in Glasgow,
J K Rowling is sucking the air through her teeth and saying, “Really? That’s fucking lazy.” Her team don’t think
much of the idea, or Leah’s terrible scribble of a logo. “I just love Niks. Is
this not beautiful to you? This is beautiful to me.” But if that’s her idea of
beauty, her clients are going to end up looking like a doodle in Dali’s
Moleskine.
Luisa’s not having much more look, offering
up Masterbakers and Sugar Central; both of which sound like specialist
lap-dance bars rather than a one-stop-shop for bun-cases and piping bags. In
the end, she settles on Baker’s Toolkit, and heads off to get some customer
insight from a cupcake business. In the shop, she seems more interested in
demonstrating her knowledge of baking apparatus than digging out any valuable
information. Jason tries to help, asking “Before you leave, do you want to get
some numbers?” No-one really knows what numbers he means, prompting Luisa to
roll her eyes like she’s apologising for an autistic nephew who’s making a
scene.
For her logo, Luisa has decided she wants
to be rendered in cartoon form, which is weird because that’s how I’ve seen her
since week one. “I think it’d be really good,” she tells the oh-so-patient
designer, “you know, ‘cos I’ve got quite big eyes.” Something of an
understatement, given she could make a bush-baby look like Richard Gere. Over
on the other team, Alex is offering some words of wisdom for Leah’s design: “You
know, for logos, typography is really in.” That thwapping sound you can hear is
a million designers simultaneously punching themselves in the face. Leah wants
it ‘clinical,’ telling her unsurprised team “I like boring.” Luisa’s not doing
much better, barking orders at her own designer, who’s secretly speed-dialing a
recruitment consultant under the desk.
With their logos designed, the teams now
have to shoot a promotional video for their respective brands. Alex wisely
warns, “This has got to be not only tasteful, but also professional,” so as to
distinguish it from all the amateur cosmetic surgeries out there. Myles and
Francesca are doing their bit, chasing people through Holborn and asking them
if they’ve considered some non-surgical facial improvements. In retrospect,
it’s amazing neither of them got their own faces rearranged non-surgically.
Niks is now N.I.K.S. because a focus group pointed out that it made them think
of shaving cuts, so now Leah is stuck with a fake acronym that doesn’t really
mean anything. Although, curiously, that lack of depth suits her business
perfectly.
Now our two finalists have to stand up and
give their presentations to an assembled audience of “100 industry experts and
Lord Sugar.” Oooh, burn. Luisa is getting giddy about some pink balloons and
icing some cupcakes, but Nick’s not impressed. He’s been reading his
inspirational quotes toilet paper (Margaret’s pick in last year’s Secret Santa)
and offers up “Failing to prepare for that presentation, is preparing to fail.”
But Luisa doesn’t need to prepare – she’s confident that her big personality
will carry through. She certainly needs all the help she can get when she
describes her product range as extending all the way from “the smallest pot of
glitter to big professional rolling pins.” As an aside, this episode deserves
some kind of award for consistent disservice to the word ‘professional’. The
industry experts seem reasonably impressed, telling Lord Sugar “The brand was
strong… it rides well with the renaissance in baking,” but Luisa’s honesty
about not knowing the five-year projections probably didn’t help her.
Leah’s presentation gets off to a curious
start, as Francesca gives an inspiring ribbon dance in a revealing white
outfit. Then it’s over to Leah, who spends far too long explaining her
ridiculous attempt at branding. Her business plan is simple – a chain of
clinics offering facial fillers, anti-wrinkle treatments and skin peels. “I
personally know how important your own skin is,” she tells the crowd, and I
suppose she’s got a point, otherwise she’d just be standing there in a pile of
guts. Having established her credibility as a medical doctor, she’s a little
put out by a question from another doctor in the audience. The invited expert
suggests that Leah doesn’t really understand the business, and her abrupt reply
causes Lord Sugar much LOL-ery. Not to worry – the experts are on board with
Leah’s concept, telling Lord Sugar it’s a strong business proposition, and an
expanding market that’s only going to go one way.
In the boardroom everyone is being
painfully nice to one another, now that it’s down to the last two. Jason admits
that “I was very touched that Luisa called me,” as she visibly shudders, and
Lord Sugar passes judgment on Leah’s business name: “NIKS. Sounds like Mr Hewer
has opened a winebar.” As the Apprentii all chuckle approvingly, Nick adds an
“I wish” with weary resignation. Someone’s regretting a lifetime spent chortling
politely in this boardroom. “It’s a play on the fact that we’re not cutting
anything,” explains the Great Yarmouth Waxworks’ Heather Locklear in her own
defence. Lord Sugar remains incredulous: “Is that really what you think works?”
“Well, it’s not great, but that’s how we’d spin it,” she adds noncommittally.
Alan’s trying to work out where he fits in - “I can bring my name. You probably
don’t need my face, that’s for sure.” Unless, of course, she needs some decent
‘before’ shots.
As the two women retire to the reception so
that Lord Sugar can deliberate, Nick weighs in with “For Leah I’ve got
stubborn, and under Luisa, I’ve got less stubborn.” Karren might be thrilled
that Alan has selected two women for his finalists, but Nick is clearly
assessing their capabilities based on how easily they can be controlled, so
let’s not call this a feminist victory just yet.
Helping him make the right decision is the
fact that Leah’s looking to sell her business after a couple of years, whereas
Luisa’s in it for the long haul. Given the short lifespan of most of Lord Sugar’s
Apprentice affiliations, this get-out clause could be music to his ears. Plus,
as Leah confidently reminds him, “How many pots of glitter do you need to sell
to make the same profits?” And that’s it, with those words, Leah’s fate is
sealed. Sugar moans that he’s 66 and doesn’t need any more aggravation, but at
the same time, he’s not ready to play it safe just yet. As a result, Leah gets
the Bentley ride to the studio and Luisa has to settle for the black cab. As
for Karren; she’s already needling Sugar for mates’ rates on the dermabrasion.
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